Book excerpts:
- Topics
- Why write?
- Energy Model
LACK OF ENERGY?Many grieving people say to me, "Why have I had such little energy since I started dealing with this loss? I need my energy now more than ever!" I developed the Energy Management Model in the early 1980's to answer this question. Many grieving people have the same amount of energy they have always had: it is just being used differently. Other people, because of energy sapping chronic illness or traumatic head injury, have less energy. Using your energy efficiently and effectively will help the healing process.
I define "energy"as the force that allows us to be and think and do. Energy can be viewed as a circle. Some have bigger circles than others, but for everyone energy is finite. Going past energy limits means needing more rest later.
Circle 1 - When a loss is first felt, most of our energy is used for grieving/readjustment. We eat, breathe, and sleep our loss. A much smaller slice is used for survival activities. We need help to survive, however. If food is put in front of us, we eat, but have no energy or interest in preparing a meal.
Circle 2 - As time passes and we work through our grief, we reach a point where all energy needed for survival is available. We still use a lot of energy for grieving. People often feel discouraged at this time because they think they are regressing, "I feel worse now than I did a few weeks (or months) ago." They are actually progressing, but with the emotional anaesthetic wearing off, they feel the loss more intensely.
Circle 3 - When a little life enhancement begins to emerge, many people experience it coming almost overnight. They wake up feeling lighter in spirit. Instead of visiting a friend only to receive support, they are interested in their friend's life. The loss does not color their whole world anymore. There is energy for play.
Circle 4 - This process continues until there is only a small slice of energy being used for grieving. This slice never leaves, yet it is not restrictive. In fact, tapping into it can produce warm memories and feelings of connection.
People do not move through this model in a sequential manner. As new implications or intense emotions are experienced, we will move back and forth through the circles. Couples, families and communities who are grieving together will find members in differing places in their use of energy. Remember, we all have unique responses to the same event.
Using the model
Deciding when to make a major move after a loss can be difficult. Becoming pregnant again, leaving the family home, changing jobs, entering a new relationship, all take tremendous energy. Where do we get this energy? If we are in the first two circles, the energy will be taken from grieving or survival, which will slow our healing.
In some cases this is acceptable to us. Sue, who's in her mid-forties told me, "I know it's very soon after my baby's death to get pregnant again, but that biological time clock is ticking and there will be more problems if I wait." Even trying to become pregnant takes physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual energy. Taking from our grieving energy can make for trouble later. Grief will begin again, intensely at inapropriate times such as at the birth of the new child. Instead, it is better to find energy for the new undertaking from survival and see if there are any aspects of survival that can be dropped, for example, working part time and delegating other needs to family and friends.
Many people feel the first freedom of life enhancement and get busy with some major change. Unfortunately, they quickly use up this energy, feel trapped, and resent the new activity. We can see this in the rebound effect after a relationship breaks up.
Joe tells me for months, "I will never, ever get into another relationship." Then, one morning, he awakens feeling like a load has been lifted off his shoulders. He enjoys his breakfast and the crisp feel and smell of the winter air. He whistles on the way to work. Later Joe sees a woman in a store who smiles at him. He smiles back and thinks, "I actually feel something for this person. It must be love." Basing a new relationship on the initial feelings of life enhancement is not a good move. Joe is likely headed for another fall. Waiting for some time between the third and fourth circle will allow energy for the major change to be taken from life enhancement, with some left for play. A number of people have used the circles to monitor their energy usage and to decide when they are ready for the change.
People with chronic illness or traumatic head injury tend to have smaller energy circles. Those who care daily for a family member with special needs may find that their survival needs are so great they would never have much life enhancement energy. These situations call for creativity.
Rachel, who spent much of her days taking her son with special needs to medical and rehabilitation appointments became angry with me in the parent group I was facilitating, "There is no way I can find any time for life enhancement!" I replied that I trusted her determination and creativity which was present when she met an obstacle to do with her beloved child. I asked her to use those qualities to care for herself and suggested a number of questions that would help her clarify what life-enhancing activity would be meaningful and do-able.
1. What qualities/gifts are within me that are not being used enough or at all?
2. What personal dreams (realistic or unrealistic, from childhood and adulthood) have not come to fruition?
3. What expensive emotions are weighing me down? (these are described in the section "Complicated Grief" p. 71)
4. What attracts or interests me?
The next steps, I suggested, were to look at her answers and pull our a theme, such as "creativity" or "learning"; choose an activity that will meet some aspect of this theme; allow herself to be flexible so that the activity is "do-able"; and act on this as soon as possible.
After hearing all this, Rachel said that it wasn't possible and stomped out of the group.
Two weeks later she was back and asked to speak first. After letting go of her anger, Rachel had pondered the questions. Her answers indicated a need to do something to manifest her creativity. So Rachel went to a craft store and asked for a project which would fit in her purse, be unbreakable, and easy for someone who had never done a craft. The owner sold her a simple cross-stitch design for a cushion. Rachel did her cross-stitch while she waited for appointments and was able to do a significant amount in two weeks.
Rachel proudly showed us her work and said, "I have never thought of myself as creating beautiful things. Now, instead of complaining with the other parents about how long the waiting is, we talk about my craft. I even had one pediatrician admire my cushion and ask how I ever found the time to do it. I told him, 'Waiting for you, Doctor'. He was actually embarrassed and we got in quicker next time."
It is not always possible to tell whether an activity is survival or life enhancement without asking about the need it is meeting. For example, early in my grief, I would probably ignore my physical appearance for a few days. My sixteen year old daughter would head right for the bathroom to put on makeup. For me, grooming is life enhancement; for a teenager, it is survival!
The journal section Energy Movement includes a number of blank circles to help you monitor your status.
Excerpt from A Path through Loss © 2001 Nancy Reeves