Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker (looks puzzled): "What the hell is a 'Microsoft'?"
Data (turns to answer): "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
15 Minutes Later ...
Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we missed."
Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."
Riker: "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F ..."
Geordi (excitedly): "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!"
Picard: "Data, what do your scanners show?"
Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard: "Let's wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
Two Hours Pass ...
Riker: "Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pack'."
Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"
Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of six more hours."
Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard: "Identify."
Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo!"
(Over the speakers:)
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."
Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."
Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"
Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive deep space?!"
Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits!"
Riker and Picard together (horrified): "Lawyers!!"
Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with pieces of paper."
Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' - it often proves fatal."
Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."
Windows 95 and Star Trek
Will Windows 95 Live Long and Phospher?
"Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the MicroSoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, we're about to begin a sequel."
"Captain, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."
"Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?"
"Captain, are you surrrrre you want to rrrreplace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we'll risk a matter-antimatter explosion!"
"Scotty, that's an order."
"Aye Captain, but she's just not ready. She needs a proper beta shakedown."
"That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?"
"We're on disk 5, sir."
"Good. Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt."
"Then Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use the Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured under Windows 3.1?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"Will it use a ProAudio Spectrum?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"How about a Sound Blaster?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"What good are you, anyway?"
"Box-office attraction, Captain."
"Bones?"
"I'm a doctor - not a hardware technician."
"Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the ProAudio Spectrum. Chekov, finish the software installation. Sulu, reboot the system when it's ready and prepare to go to task speed on my signal."
"Aye, aye, Captain."
"Chekov?"
"We've just entered the desktop zone, Captain."
"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."
"Scotty, we haven't even started yet."
"Sorry, Captain, I just haven't had a line in so long..."
"Sulu, go to task 1. Bring up the README.TXT in the notepad.
"Aye, Captain."
"Wait a minute. Cancel that order. Plot a shortcut to the README.TXT in the desktop zone. We'll be navigating back there frequently."
"Yes, Sir."
"Spock?"
"It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir. The ProAudio Spectrum 16 isn't responding, either in sound or SCSI."
"Disable the card, Spock."
"I'm sorry, sir. It won't disable the SCSI without stopping sound card first. And it won't disable the sound card without disabling the SCSI first."
"Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 o'clock."
"[Looks at watch.] Good, that gives us a little more time to debug these systems."
"No, sir. The ship is already upon us."
"Uhura?"
"Scanning all frequencies, sir. I'm trying to get an image, sir, but the system is awfully slow."
"Scotty, what's happening down there?"
"The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI can only process one console request at a time."
"See what you can do, Scotty. Spock?"
"It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain. Equipped with a Warp drive."
[Impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed. OOhs and Ahhs as crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship.]
"Put it on visual, Chekov."
"Aye, Captain."
[Louder OOhs and Ahhs.]
"Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast. We need audio!"
"I'm sorry, Captain. The registry is not responding."
"Bones?"
"I'm a doctor, not a beta tester!"
"Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file."
"Captain - it's gone. Some other task in the system must have moved or changed it."
"Long-range scan, Chekov."
"I found it, Captain. Wait a minute. This README.TXT file is for the game Land of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing the voice of King Richard."
"Patrick Stewart?"
"You've never heard of Patrick Stewart?"
"No."
"Must be a generation gap."
"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."
"[Sigh.] Maintain power, Mr. Scott. Quick, Sulu, put us on red alert."
"Captain, I can't figure out how to change the color of the desktop background!"
"Bones?"
"I'm a doctor, not the FORCE docs!!"
"Never mind. Find the screen saver. Spock, prepare to fire HP LaserJet."
"Captain, I've chosen the screen saver that says `Chicago is COOL' but now I'm getting no response at the helm."
[BOOM as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large zapping sound, then either the ship moves back and forth, or people sway left and right, depending on perspective. Sparks fly from console, fires glare, indicating what would normally be irreparable damage, yet will be fixed in just minutes.]
"Sulu, take evasive action; otherwise, it's certain doom!"
"Aye, Aye, Captain. It certainly is Doom and I don't mind saying I'm getting awfully sick of this demo. Doom is one of the most stable games on the market and it runs under OS/2 with no problems whatsoever."
"We've got... to get... to the kernel. Uhura... notify... the... kernel at Star Fleet."
"Captain, I think either communications are breaking up, or you're dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode again."
"Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It would seem that the needs of the few have out-weighed the needs of the many."
"Scotty, get us out of here!"
"Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding! We'll have to do a hard boot to rrrrecover."
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