Bear in mind that the surplus Canadarms are available in whatever size is needed to get the job done, from Space Shuttle size (SS) to rodent removal size (RR)...and now even smaller.

1. Clean chimneys without entering your client's house, with your truck mounted Canadarm.

2. Some dairy farmers have redesigned their milking parlours to use the special Canadarm-adapted milking machines, while keeping out of the way of dairy farm by-products.

3. Join those happy motorists who have installed a Canadarm on their car so that they can affix bumper stickers on other cars while remaining at Canadarms-length from the offending car; stickers such as "You are a Moron Driver", or should it be "I am a Moron Driver"?

4. Cars that have been unthinkingly abandoned in your parking spot can be removed by using your Canadarm-equipped vehicle to create the empty parking space that you need.

5. Many fast-food restaurants are re-equipping their kitchens with Canadarm burger-flippers, which can also be used to knead dough and throw pizza crusts accurately towards the ceiling. We are currently working on the control-guidance system for the Canadarm pizza delivery ballistic launching system. This has now been perfected and many pizzamakers now prefer this delivery system over all others.

6. This year British Columbia Ferries will test a Canadarm on "Queen of the High Seas" to put weekend sailboats, who think they have the right-of-way, outa-the-way.

7. Install a Canadarm in your car, or on your bicycle, to take the aiming guesswork out of your paper route. Launch your newspapers to reach their destination with 100% accuracy. Use the extended version for your apartment-block paper route to deliver papers with 100% accuracy without even entering the building.

8. Fire departments can return the chore of fetching kitties trapped up trees to the local Canadarm-eqipped SPCA whose members can then pluck the offending animals out of the trees with ease.

9. To assist gas-stations in providing faster gas pump service, many owners are installing Canadarm fuel delivery systems to give their businesses a great leap forward into the next millenium.

10. Update your office by replacing that old goose-neck desklamp with our fully automatic Canadarm Light. It can sense where you need light, and directs it there. It can also be customized with many indispensible accessories such as the paperclip retrieval system for picking up paperclips and just about anything else that you might dropped in an inaccessible place, or the coffee mug transportation arm which will move your mug of coffee from desk to lips with ease while leaving your hands free for greater production. Caution: this model is not able to retrieve dunked cookies and donuts that fell into the coffee. Attempting this manoevre will cause electrical problems.

12. Many grocery chains are now equipping their stores with Canadarm shopping buggies (Ride-on models will soon be available) for easy removal of selected groceries from the store shelves. Excellent for reaching those higher shelves on the special Canadarm "Tall Shelf System" that are also being installed in those stores that wish to double their floor space usage by looking upwards.

13. Put a Canadarm in your orchard to cut the costs of harvesting your crop. This mobile machine is equipped with sensors to locate the fruit to be picked. Order the right size, small, medium or large, according to the height of the trees in your orchard. The picker is also equipped with a handy dial for choosing the type of fruit being picked, such as orange, apple, plum, cherry etc. This system can pay for itself by ending product loss due to "fruit picker hunger".

14. Every house should have our special Canadarm fireplace model to place logs on the fire. This model is equipped with a hand-held remote control system which will also control your TV, VCR and Stereo, so you will be able to throw away all those "clickers" in favour our all-in-one model.

15. Are you tired of your dog rushing in out of the rain and shaking itself dry wherever it pleases? Install a Canadarm Pet Handler to intercept your dog at the point of entry, shake it appropriately (perhaps just outside the door) and release it, dry, into your house.

16. A special model of Canadarm has been adapted for Pub use. We can provide an arm for quadraplegics so they can drink their own beer. If the quadraplegics are equipped with two arms they can grab the bar maid also.
16a. This model of canadarm for quadraplegics is manoeuvrable enough so they can scratch themselves. With a second arm they can choose to engage in a second activity from above.
16b. The Canadarm for quadraplegics can be raised when being mugged. This helps bolster the self confidence of the mugger and is the next step in the criminal justice system's "Leniency and Assistance to the Criminal Act" while the victim is left to rot. Extra consideration is null and void if the quadraplegic (victim) either spills his beer, loses his grip on the bar maid or accidently ruptures himself or cuts off something important while scratching.

17. Canadarm Lamps come in a variety of sizes from desktop model to light-house size. They can be programmed to a number of different power-saving settings.

18. The rumours of a Canadarm specially adapted to help music students with their piano practice are true. This up-'til-now secret model is now available in two versions. These are "double" models since they include both a left and a right Canadarm which are attached to the ends of a piano much like goose-neck lamps (which have, of course, become obsolete since the introduction of Canadarm lamps in all sizes). The piano student fits his or her hands into the attachment devices on the ends of the Canadarms which are activated by a foot operated switch. Soon you too will be playing the piano as if you had four hands.

19. A fully automatic version of the piano-instruction Canadarm has also been developed to provide music in pubs and lounges. We call this our "Player Piano Canadarm". There has been some resistance to installation of this model in orchestras around the world, even though each model comes fully loaded with music appropriate to each location.

20. At Canadarm Industries we have been working diligently and effectively on miniaturization and we are now ready to launch our smallest model. For those of you who wear glasses and who would prefer to be using contact lenses but are afraid of the insertion and removal process, the Canadarm now comes in it's smallest size yet. This model will comfortably and safely (see disclaimer) apply contact lenses to your eyes. Ask for the Canadarm-automatic contact lens installation and removal system.

21. Many light-houses in Canada have been automated over the last few years, by removing the light-house-keepers. The Government of Canada is now testing our largest Canadarm Lamp in two locations. The attraction of our Can-Lamp is that after a boat or ship has piled up on the rocks, the Canadarm will automatically retrieve the luckless sailors and then push the broken vessel into deeper waters, thus preserving the beauty of our coastlines.

Canadarm Industries Eh! is now seeing the fruits of the decision to allow Canadarm clones to be made under licence. At the time this important decision was announced our company chairman was quoted as saying, "We don't want our market share to go the same way as the Mac".

22. We now have available a Canadarm dice rolling system , for all the role playing gamers who are too busy neglecting their hygeine and stuffing their faces to roll the huge stacks of dice required to play their hack and slash campaigns? (Not that we have a problem with RPGs; some of our best friends play them, but there are always some who become too involved).

23. The piano-playing canadarm (number 18) has led to many offices being equipped with the slightly adapted full ten-fingered version of the Canadarm Typing System. This incredible increase in speed has led to the redundancy of many executives who could only type with an awkward two fingers style - sometimes known as the two-fisted fumble. We are currently working on the whirling eight-arm system which has been able to operate six keyboards simultaneously in early field trials.

24. The Donut Shop Employee Replacement Canadarm would be pefect for many areas and franchises, my boss told me the other day that he went to Timmies, ordered six donuts, paid and left, only to discover that the cashier only gave him four. When questioned about this the cashier replied "I didn't think you really wanted six donuts". Our Donut Shop Employee Replacement Canadarm will save wages wherever they are installed because they do not need to be paid to think.
Installation of our Donut Shop Employee Replacement Canadarm would have prevented this experience for someone at Timmies the other day. This time the customer ordered 3 donuts of one kind and 3 of another (totalling 6 donuts), and was immediately told that buying six donuts would be cheaper!

25. After receiving many requests we have now added an invaluable accessory for the truck-mounted Canadarm system. A special manipulator hand has been created which turns the truck-mounted system into a unique snow clearing machine. Anyone can have their driveway shovelled. However, our machine will remove the snow from your driveway while carefully leaving intact the gravel, concrete or paved surface. The snow that is removed is turned into snow people of varying shapes and sizes, that can be placed wherever you request - preferably not in the middle of the road. Especially heavy snowfalls would probably require the special Tandem Canadarm System with two arms and two manipulator hands. In these events, whole armies of snow people can be placed in your neighbour's driveway in just a few minutes. We also have a special adaptor created from parts of the control-guidance system for the Canadarm pizza delivery ballistic launching system (number 5) so that giant snowballs can be launched from your driveway to any specified location...

26. We have now perfected the waterproofing of smaller-sized Canadarm systems which are now being requisitioned by many police departments for use in donut shops - for dunking (and retrieving) donuts. Some donut shops are taking the initiative and equipping their tables with automatic donut dunking systems for faster customer turnover. This system is also available as an automatic soup stirring canadarm.

27. This Christmas, or whichever religious event is relevant, how about the toilet paper roll replacement canadarm.This is the perfect gift for the loving wife who must constantly change the tissue roll herself due to the apparent inability of males to do so.

28.The baby feeding and diaper changing canadarm is perfect for those busy mornings when you just don't have time( or would prefer to keep your own breakfast down). Extensive field tests have shown that ordering the optional "extra arm" is advisable.

29. If you don't feel you have a steady enough hand to practice taxidermy, dissection or home mummification (mummification of creatures at home, not mummifying a home) then the "surgical precision" canadarm could be for you! Note that you should read the accompanying instruction manual prior to starting your project as this craft will not appear on Martha Stewart reruns.

30. Do you have an arm wrestling competition coming up? Get your arms into tip top arm wrestling shape with the arm wrestling trainer canadarm. You will only need one of this model as the hand (of the arm wrestling trainer canadarm) can be reversed for left or right hand operation. Just clamp it to the table and plug it in.

31. Perhaps you have a problem with home security (or maybe you're just a little paranoid), if so we have the perfect product, the Dead Shot Canadarm System (sometimes referred to as the shot dead system). Just give it a gun and point it at the door, and anyone who enters the house without first giving the proper oral commands is on the recieving end of an extremely precise gunshot wound! This baby even has "dialable lethality settings"! Our aiming system is out of this world and was the star item of a recent Home Security Trade Show.

And now over to you! Our Research and Development Department is working night and day on new products, but we need all the help we can get....send your Canadarm needs, wants and suggestions to us by email so this list will grow to 101 before there are people on Mars (again?).

email Canadarm Industries,
where this site was designed by Janet Martinez and by Michael Shaw.

Canadarm Links, Eh.

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All aboooaaard the The Science Expedition Train!

To use the Rail Icon, click the left arrow to travel West, the right arrow to travel East,
or click the railroad tracks to go to the Junction, where you can change trains.