-- by 'Dr. Trash’, 1991
A is for Alcohol, it's big in Japan;
The aim at all enkais is to chug all
you can.
And always the day after you'll feel worse and worse;
About the
same as you might when you finish this verse.
B is for Booze, the same as above;
In vino veritas, and perhaps even
love.
C is for Cocaine, now found in Roppongi;
Not many other places, the
stigma's still strong-y.
The police are all worried, they think it's a
threat;
But so far it's confined to the young disco set.
C is also for Chu-Hai, an innocent drink;
It comes in a can and often
looks pink.
For this reason it's offered to ladies by bounders;
They think
it makes heels rounder and rounder.
D is for DT's, an occupational risk;
One you might run if you often get
pissed.
Avoid nasty beer and liquor that's strong;
Or at least don't drink
too deep or too long.
E is for Ether, a fun little gas;
It makes you walk funny and talk like an
ass.
When using, please quell your desire for a butt;
One flick of your
Bic and your world will go *phut*.
F is for Fungi, the magical kind;
I don't think they grow here, but I'm
almost blind.
So please look around, by walls and on trees;
Be sure to
send samples to Trash Laboratories.
G is for Glue, the student's main vice;
It's quick and it's useful and it
has a low price.
Be wary of any student you see who's been using;
The red
eyes and bloody axe are two signs of abusing.
H is for Huffing, the way students take Glue;
They put their face in a bag
and breathe till they're blue.
Then they jump up and look for a teacher to
kill;
But don't worry-- soon they'll be violently ill.
I is for Inhalation, a big word for Huffing;
q.v. -- so you see, this
verse is just stuffing.
J is for Jolt Cola, often found in machines;
It's got all of the sugar and
twice the caffeine.
In America such items are marketing sins;
But here in
Japan they buy bins and bins.
K is for Kirin, a popular beer;
I'm sure you've tried some, so I'll say no
more here.
L is for Lust -- please take my suggestion;
One year of chastity needn't
be out of the question.
But still we have needs -- so standards might
fall;
But don't write your number on Wayne's bathroom wall.
M is for Methedrine, it won't make you ill
If you're careful to buy the
best kind of pill.
But it's hard to find here, so please save your
pennies
Take a look around you-- this whole country's on Bennies.
N is for Nose-spray, like Sine-Off or Dristan;
Snort lots of this and
drink beer from the can.
The result should be great insight or miraculous
vision;
Or else you just want to watch television.
O is for Oven Cleaner, freely available;
Take it like glue and huff all
that you're able.
It will help you to deal with student Anglophobes
But
you might lose the use of your frontal lobes.
P is for Pot, all crumbly and green;
If you must use it, for Crissake
don't be seen.
If you are, it will shortly become neighbourhood knowledge
And you'll quickly find out that this isn't college.
Q is for Quaaludes, drop one in your Scotch
For a warm buzzy feeling just
over your crotch.
You might think that here they're quite hard to
find;
It's not true, just call -- oh, never mind.
R is for Romilar, Ritalin and Reds;
A bagful of pills to mess up our
heads.
They go nicely with Tang, with beer, and with juice;
Don't take too
many or your screws will come loose.
S is for Shochu, a drink that's liked much;
It's made from old tires,
compost and such.
Try some, it comes in a wax-paper carton;
Next morning
your head will feel like the Drums of Dumbarton.
[I know full well that that last couplet stinks
But I don't give a fig
what Ye Common Reader thinks.]
T is for Tobacco, source of teachers' room strife;
You might think from
commercials that it's a staple of life.
It's true that it's cheap and its use
is diverting
But in thirty years your lungs will be hurting.
U is for Ume-shu, a drink made from plums;
I'd talk about hangovers, but I
already used "drums."
It's got a nice colour and it tastes really
sweet;
But one drink too many and you'll be sprawled in the street.
V is for Valium, take one for perspective;
Or just have a rest -- its use
is elective.
A measure of calmness is what we all need;
Sometimes it seems
that all Japan is on speed.
W is for Whiskey, but not even the price'll
Belie the fact that it all
tastes like Lysol.
In this country it's only taken with water and ice;
Its
main purpose, I think, is to make the hostess look nice.
X is for Ecstasy-- it isn't found here;
Take my advice and just stick to
beer.
Y is for yoitsubureru -- a verb in Japanese;
A word you should
learn and toss off with ease.
It's useful at enkais, parties and such;
Be
sure that it's not used of you too much.
Z is for Zippo, zwieback and zing;
But as for a Z drug, I can't think of a
thing.
Hold on, just a moment, please let me think;
No, to hell with the
verse, I'm off for a drink.