These are my jokes, except [E] by Erika Danko, [V] by Victor Shulman. Many of these date back to when Victor and I worked for Microstat Development Corporation, 1985-86. I wrote some of our bons mots in a book, but time has occasionally clouded the origin. But fear not, most of these jokes are of more recent stamp. Somebody else might have come up with these same jokes independently. I've been thinking in particular that obliterati might be a popular invention. I suppose it would be correct to google search each word before adding it to the file, but I'm lazy. Funny, eh?
Funny Stories From My Life - A Retrospective Blog contains some funny and perhaps embarrassing stories (not one-liners) from my life.
Say, have you seen dys funky dictionary of mine?
[V]
butt welder.
Noout of
Normal.
You can't live with 'em, and you can't live without 'em.
Delivered in a Churchillian voice: Never / in the annals / of
human laziness / has so little / been accomplished / in the company /
of so much complaint. / This day / will live / in infamy / so long /
as free men / in their derision / have breath / to bellow / a
laugh.
After not doing much for a long long time, I put in a
5-hour day of work.
Meanwhile Road by Don Ross, a travelling song for a mode of transport that has not yet been invented.
Old chessplayers never die, they just spend forever contemplating the next move. [E]
Old knuckleballers never die, they just float away.
If we did not die, they would have to kill us.
To have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part; unless I get a better offer.
My one-line Hungarian poem, using three words and a
surname:
Sör, Bor, Bor, Pálinka, Sör,
Pálinka, Bor, Sör, Pálinka,
Alföldi.
Sör is beer; Bor is wine; Pálinka is
(apricot brandy) moonshine; Alföldi is the name of a porcelain
(toilet) manufacturer.
Don't talk about buses in Hungary. The more you talk about them, the further away they get. The more you talk about them, the less people want to talk to you. [E]
Tiny Nudge is an oxymoron in Anglo-Hungarian. Nagy
(pronounced nudge) means great
in Hungarian. So the Hungarian
leader Imre Nagy was Big Jim
.
What do you get when you de-Magyarize a mad cow?
Jakob Creutzfeld.
Did you know how the most famous Austrian song lyric got composed?
Richard Rogers was having breakfast and when he went to put milk on
his cereal, he heard a distinct pop. That inspired the lyric: The
Hills are Alive with the Sound of Müesli.
It got changed by
Oscar Hammerstein II, who as lyricist was jealous of his partner's
inspiration. [E and J].
Why do they call eyeglasses specs?
Because people who wear them don't notice the specks. [E]
Did you know that dogs can time travel? That's how they can pee so much when you take them for a walk. They travel ahead in time (that's why it is so difficult to get their attention) to the next bowl of water.
Same old dam thing.
Walking the dog at Colliery Dam Park for
the umpteenth day in a row. [E]
Scandinavians love their pets. In Sweden, every day is dog day.
What is our dog's favourite book of the Bible? Saint Mark.
The opera about the Queen and her favourite dog: Corgi and Bess.
Lemon tree very pretty, and the lemon flower is sweet
But the lemon-flavoured snow cone is impossible to eat.
A lyric that just burst upon us like springtime as we were walking
Caesar after the big snow storm.
The angry but noble pruner.
Marquis de Sawed-Off.
It's so foggy, I can't see my hand in front of my eyes
,
said the blind man, waving at the pretty girl across the street.
[E]
It doesn't work. They said I'd win at Scrabble if I kept
score.
Only if you are Saddam Hussein. (cf: oil for food
scandal).
Just look at that! These people just let their dogs do
anything! I wish the City would enfoce the $1000 fine.
Let she who is without shin scat the first scone.
Bored? Call Confuse-a-Dog. That's A-DOG-CONFUSE on your totaly rerephone.
Hello? 911? I have an emergency. I'm too walked to dog the stone.
This is 911. What is your emergency?
Woof!
Hello? 911? I have an emergency. I'm too bucked to scatter the whone.
This is 911. What is your emergency?
Um, if you guys don't
show up in 5 hours, is the pizza free?
Could you send an ambulance? What, this is Dairy Queen? OK,
then please send 50 Blizzards. We're having heatstroke.
In 2009, forty years from now, half the freaks smoking dope will be fascists. [this might be a quote]
She: We need to talk. About a date. For our divorce
He: How about September 11, 2057 ?
She: By then I will have lost my voice.
He: And I will have lost my ears. You will have taken them for earhole soup.
Why is there no Society to Prevent Vandalism? Because they have only one Vandal.
Cleanliness is next to godliness; godliness is next to chess; ches' is next to my heart. [J+E]
It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that sting.
Talking up spicy foods.
A hungry person entering a vegetarian restaurant might say:
Are you scared? No, I'm not scared. I'm past scared. I'm putrified.
The bux stop here.
American tourist refusing
to let his group be overcharged for a guided tour.
Thirty percent less rat
Than where you're at.
An optimistic tourism slogan for a clean but dull destination.
Nanaimo can't get enough. Not sated with three terms of Mayor Gary Korplan, we now have the Core Plan. Ai, corumba.
White Mandarins Can't Jump
The latest racial slur in the world of international sports politics.
Après moi, le déluge!
In high school they told us that Louis XV made the remark when asked about the future of France after his death. Though this indicates that it was Madame Pompadour's. Women are better with words, eh? It was the caption for a cartoon I never did (can't draw) of Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Eliot Trudeau back-to-back with an elephant. If you like, you could write the word Patronage on the elephant.
What did the Quebec Premier become, one day before the transfer of power to the new Premier?
A 24-hour Landry.
Why do Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving on the second Monday in October?
Because by late November the turkey, and most everything else, is frozen.
Revello is the name of a popular ice cream novelty across Canada.
It has vanilla ice cream on a stick, with a chocolate coating. Kids
usually call one a revel
. The lyrics of a pop song make more
sense as:
Revel, Revel It's on your dress; Revel, Revel Your
face is a mess.
than the canonical Rebel ...
, as
discovered at
a
misheard lyrics site. Back to the Revelstoke
joke.
In the Tchaikovsky competition, what were the similarities between Klimov and Van Cliburn?
1. Names had same first syllables
2. Neither knew how to play
the violin. [Old Russian joke, as told by V. We all know that Van
Cliburn was a piano prodigy, but Klimov really was a violinist. The
joke was a remark on the quality of the judging.]
What do you say when superheroes meet one of those heavy spiked rollers used to break up old highways?
Holy Flatman and Ribbon! [Chris Danko]
Pale expression of a great idea is when the printer ribbon breaks. [V]
If Life is like drawing without an eraser, then what is like erasing without a drawer?
Nothing is like ... [V]
Water is the universal solvent; Dynamite is the universal solution.
What were the similarities between General Kutuzov (Napoleon) and President Nasser (6-Day War)?
Each lured the enemy into the depths of his land and awaited the frosts. [Old Russian joke as related by V]
Which part of the brain controls mating behaviour?
The
Parental Lobe.
Learn to Mate.
The catch-line of a spectacularly unsuccessful
campaign for the chess club at Sentinel Secondary School, West
Vancouver, circa 1966.
The Evolution of Love: from Kama Sutra to Kamikaze
A book title destined for oblivion.
Cooking Better with Hate
A book you won't see any time soon. Maybe it should be the name of a rock group.
I'd rather be horking
An unsuccessful T-shirt campaign.
Buzzing like a fly at the windowsill [E].
This is the moment when I take off my glasses to reveal my beautiful blue eyes. A tingle shoots down your spine. We clasp hands and melt into each other's arms, oblivious to the plate of squid chow mein oozing between us.
Why do New York pedestrians cross against a red light ?
To avoid being trampled.
What do you get when you add Bush to Bill Clinton?
Boil CNN
Bullshi*. (rearranging the letters of the principals).
Chelsea the Cat is on 22/7.
That's 22 hours of sleep, 7 days a week.
How did the Mexican cat reply when the local townspeople thanked her for cleaning out the local rat population ?
El placer es meow.
Where does a lion go to get his hair cut?
A maneicurist.
What new thorn do you have for my crown? [V]
A scare of peas, bomplete with coots. [V]
Why would anybody bother? Department.
Within walking distance of Costco.
--seen in a home real
estate ad.
Meet Somebody Real
--seen in email spam.
Avril Lavigne topless
--seen in a newsgroup spam.
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Last modified August 17, 2005