| CHARACTERS | |
|---|---|
| MARG | Margaret, 60s. Knits, but not well. Her musical preferences are suspect |
| BERT | Albert, 30s. Used to like motorcycles, still likes backrubs, doesn't like poetry. |
| LIL | Lillian, a nurse, 20s. Enjoys modern poetry and is familiar with the rudiments of bicycle repair. |
| VOICE 1 | male, heard over a PA system |
| VOICE 2 | male store manager |
| The inside of a shopping mall. MARG is sitting on a bench framed by potted plants and a garbage bin. She is knitting, wearing headphones wired to a ghetto blaster. Her body is swaying to a rhythm distinctly different from that of the mall's background music. | ||
| VOICE 1: | Good morning everyone and welcome to Discovery Island Shopping Center! (MARG stops knitting, listens.) The time is 11:45 on a beautiful Monday morning. | |
| MARG: | Ralph! | |
| VOICE 1: | Yes, here inside Discovery Island the sun is always shining and the temperature is a constant 17 degrees Celsius - for all our friendly neighbours from across the border that's a cozy 63 degrees Fahrenheit. | |
| MARG: | (Disappointed.) For a moment I thought... | |
| VOICE 1: | And while you are here, taking in the sights, strolling, browsing and enjoying the very best shopping in town, you're listening to the super soft sounds of CASH - the total music station that's got a little bit of everything for everyone. Just another way of us at Discovery Island telling you, "Happy Shopping!" | |
| MARG: | It's uncanny how much he sounds like Ralph. | |
| BERT, wearing a motorcycle jacket, approaches the mall entrance. A prominent scar is running down one side of his face. He picks up a few cigarette butts before entering. LIL, dressed in rain gear, is depositing a bicycle with a flat front tire in a bicycle stand outside the mall, removes the wheel, detaches a pump, locks the bike with a key that is attached to a string around her neck, and enters the mall. | ||
| BERT: | (Approaches MARG's bench.) Hullo, Mrs. M. (Sorts through his cigarette butts.) | |
| MARG: | (Ignores him.) Heaven knows, it's been a long enough since the boy has shown his face. | |
| BERT: | (Tries to move within her line of vision, waves.) Hi, Mrs. M. (She is not to be distracted from her knitting or her music.) Like the man says, it's a beautiful day. (He pours tobacco from the butts into cigarette paper and rolls himself a cigarette.) | |
| MARG: | I'm exaggerating, of course. It could only have been the day before yesterday... or the day before that. But time - it just seems to fly. | |
| BERT: | Nah, time don't fool me, Mrs. M. (Indicates her knitting.) What's it gonna be when it's finished? You've got some nice music there? Or are you listening to that artsy fartsy stuff on CBC? Personally, I think them guys got diarrhea of the tonsils. You like it in here? (Louder.) Heavenly music, eh, Mrs. M? Wonder if they're playing any of them sub... sublim... you know, those sneaky messages played backwards. It could be most anything and you wouldn't even know. You can't hear it 'cause it goes direct to the brain - kind of unconscious. Something like "Don't stop to shop our crop till you pop." (Pause.) Well, I'm starved. Want me to get you a bite to eat? A hot dog or something? (He hesitates, then - as no response is forthcoming - he exits.) | |
| The mall music fades slowly. MARG takes off her headphones, puts down the knitting and walks to a nearby boutique display table. Enter LIL. She sits down on the bench, spreading out her paraphernalia. MARG has picked up a pair of dainty panties and tries them against her body, stretching the elastic as far as it will go. | ||
| VOICE 2: | (Off.) May I help you, ma'am? | |
| MARG: | Ralph? (She turns to the direction of the voice.) Oh... No, thank you. I was... I was just... browsing. Lovely piece, though. But not my color. I'm an autumn. This one's for a winter. And now we have spring. (Goes back to the bench.) Yes, spring is sprung, the grass is ris', I wonder where my... (She sees that part of her bench is now occupied, sits down and continues her headphone-and-knitting routine. However, she is soon distracted by LIL's efforts at extracting the tube from the wheel. After watching for awhile she realizes she's made a mess of her knitting.) Sheesh... (Unravels the last portion.) Okay, Margaret, now concentrate. Knit one, slip one, knit two together... | |
| LIL: | Dylan Thomas. | |
| MARG: | What? | |
| LIL: | Under Milk Wood. | |
| MARG: | My dear, this is the Discovery Island Shopping Center. | |
| LIL | The play by Dylan Thomas, the poet. | |
| MARG: | I know who Dylan Thomas is. A Welsh drunkard. So? | |
| LIL: | Mrs. Utah Watkins. | |
| MARG: | Pleased to meet you. Utah, that's an unusual name - but I like it. My name is Margaret Poole. | |
| LIL: | Mine is Lillian. | |
| MARG: | You just said your name was - | |
| LIL: | No, no. Mrs. Utah Watkins is the character in Under Milk Wood. She said the same thing you just said... | |
| MARG: | She did? | |
| LIL: | "Knit one, slip one... (bleating) knit two together, pass the slipstitch over." | |
| MARG: | Did I sound like that? | |
| LIL: | No. I think Utah Watkins was at least double your age. (A suspicious look from MARG.) About 75, 80... (MARG smiles and returns to her knitting while LIL continues with her tire repairs.) | |
| VOICE 1: | (PA system.) Hello, and a special welcome to our lunchtime shoppers. While you are visiting beautiful Discovery Island Shopping Center here's an idea to indulge in a total Discovery Island adventure: Why not break up your shopping for just a moment and relax those tired feet? Simply drop in at one of our fine food establishments. Here you have everything your heart and, of course, your taste buds desire‹from quick but nutritious snacks and juices to the experience of delectable dining in fully licensed premises. A great start to a great afternoon. Have a nice one. | |
| LIL: | (Stabs her hand with the screwdriver she is using for the tire.) Ouch! | |
| MARG: | Oh, dear. You hurt yourself. Is it bleeding? | |
| LIL: | It's okay. (Pulls a small first aid kit out of her coat pocket.) | |
| MARG: | Here let me help you. | |
| As MARG steps forward, dropping the wool and knitting, she gets tangled up in the thread and the chord from the headphones still connecting her to the tape recorder. The chord comes lose and a blast of reggae music blares from the tape machine. Enter BERT, balancing two hamburgers and fries. He begins to move to the rhythm and almost drops the food while MARG impatiently tries to extract herself from the wool strands. It takes a while before she manages to shut off the music. LIL, meanwhile, has deftly put a bandage on her own hand and watches with amusement. | ||
| BERT: | Awright, Mrs. M! Is that what you were listening to? Keep it on, keep it on! | |
| MARG: | Oh, shut up. And don't gawk. Help the poor thing here. She's injured... Oh, you've put a bandage on it already. And I was going to - | |
| LIL: | It's okay. I'm used to it. | |
| MARG: | You do that often? | |
| LIL: | I'm a nurse. | |
| BERT: | (To MARG.) I've got you some lunch. | |
| MARG: | (Ignores him.) Ah, that explains it. | |
| BERT: | Explains what? | |
| MARG: | Stop interrupting. I'm talking to Lillian here. | |
| BERT: | (Latino accent.) Good morning, Lillian. My name is Alberto. | |
| MARG: | That isn't your name. (To LIL.) His name is Bert. | |
| LIL: | Hello, Alberto-Bert. | |
| MARG: | He does that all the time. Stretches the truth and interrupts when grown-ups are having a conversation... and... and he tries to manipulate people. | |
| BERT: | So who'd want to be called Bert... Bert - sounds like something after dinner trying to come up. | |
| MARG: | Speak for yourself... and your... your greaseburger there. | |
| BERT: | Aw, c'mon. You wouldn't let nobody call you Marge. | |
| MARG: | That's because my name is Margaret. Marge is something you put on your sandwiches... (to LIL) if you can't afford butter. | |
| BERT: | Anybody call you 'Lil' for short? | |
| LIL: | All my friends do. | |
| BERT: | Okey-dokey, Lil it is. | |
| MARG: | (Gives BERT a withering look, then to LIL.) Lillian sounds so much more... befitting a person in your position. | |
| BERT: | Yeah, I can picture them old-timers in hospital yelling "Lillian, Lillian!" At least your name don't have any P's or Q's in it. Those geezers they'd pee all over themselves. | |
| LIL: | I don't work at the hospital. | |
| BERT: | But... | |
| LIL: | I'm a home care nurse. (BERT looks perplexed.) I visit people with long-term problems. | |
| MARG: | Like him. | |
| LIL: | Maybe somebody who's paralysed and needs special care... | |
| BERT: | I get it. I crap myself and you change my diapers? | |
| MARG: | That's him. Number one crude. | |
| LIL: | He's right. Diaper changes, dressing changes, foot soaks, IV's... | |
| MARG: | A head soak is what he needs. | |
| LIL: | And if you've been especially good, I may even feed you your pabulum and afterwards burp you. | |
| BERT: | What about a back rub? | |
| LIL: | That too. | |
| BERT: | I like back rubs. | |
| MARG: | He's begging for a back rub. Problem is he rubs everyone the wrong way. | |
| BERT: | (Puts down the food.) Here, have something to eat, Mrs. M. It'll settle your stomach. | |
| MARG: | I'm sure it would - permanently. | |
| BERT: | You haven't even had a look at it. | |
| MARG: | I don't need to. I can smell it. Kindly remove that fodder from my bench. | |
| BERT: | (He moves it onto the edge of a planter.) There you are, Mrs. M. | |
| MARG: | I can still smell it. | |
| BERT: | Yummy, aint it? | |
| MARG: | You're going to kill those plants. | |
| BERT: | You've got to eat your veggies. | |
| MARG: | Veggies! That soggy excuse for a hamburger should be so lucky. | |
| BERT: | There's pickles in it... | |
| MARG: | (Snorts in disgust.) To ward off scurvy? | |
| BERT: | ...and lettuce and tomato. | |
| MARG: | With that much grease it'll soon be pickled lettuce and tomato. (To LIL.) I don't know why he bothers wasting his money on junk like this. Not that I care. It's his stomach. He eats that stuff and it'll corrode his artificial plumbing. | |
| BERT: | That reminds me, I gotta go - for a pee. | |
| MARG: | No, you don't. | |
| BERT: | You know what I mean. | |
| MARG: | You couldn't even if you tried. That's what you've got your little plastic friend for - the one strapped to your leg. | |
| BERT: | Mrs. M! | |
| LIL: | A colostomy bag? It's no big deal. I see it all the time. | |
| BERT: | But she didn't have to say it. | |
| LIL: | How did you...? | |
| BERT: | It got all messed up in there, that's all. | |
| MARG: | Inside and out and up there. (Taps her head.) | |
| LIL: | Who isn't these days. | |
| BERT: | Yeah, but in my case they decided to shove a telescope up my ass. | |
| LIL: | A sigmoidoscopy. | |
| BERT: | Whatever. I felt like a submarine with all the hatches closed. | |
| MARG: | As long as he doesn't fire any torpedos. | |
| BERT: | I better go. Check if I'm still connected. | |
| MARG: | Yes, make sure you didn't spring a leak! | |
| BERT: | (Wags his forefinger, indicates the food.) That better be all gone when I get back, Mrs. M. | |
| MARG: | Don't hurry. | |
| BERT walks away and out of their sight, then stops and turns behind a large plant, fumbling with his pants. MARG goes back to her knitting. After a few stitches she gets up, grabs the food and ceremoniously drops it into the waste bin. | ||
| MARG: | There, all gone. | |
| LIL: | He's a friend of yours? | |
| MARG:: | I beg your pardon! | |
| LIL: | But you know him? (No response.) Why does he call you Mrs. M? | |
| MARG: | Who knows. Some people do anything for a bit of attention. And you better not give the likes of him too much of it... the way he was looking at you. | |
| LIL: | How did you know about his... condition? | |
| MARG: | That's a good one. That's a very good word for it. | |
| LIL: | Did he tell you about it? | |
| MARG: | He tells it all; lets it all hang out, so to speak. Can't keep his mouth shut. You can't trust people like that. | |
| LIL: | He seems nice enough. | |
| MARG: | You'll see him loitering in the mall... and in the park, too, when it's nice out. I'm surprised they haven't thrown him out of here yet. | |
| BERT: | Oh, shit! | |
| LIL and MARG turn and see BERT with his pants drenched. He's struggling to maintain his composure. | ||
| MARG: | Good choice of words. | |
| BERT: | I don't believe this! | |
| LIL: | (Takes her raincoat, rushes over to him and covers his pants with it.) Come, let's go to the washroom. | |
| BERT: | Boys or girls? | |
| MARG: | I knew he'd spring a leak. | |
| Exit LIL and BERT. | ||
| VOICE 1: | (PA system.) Hello, shoppers. The Discovery Island Shopping Center's countdown begins. In exactly fifteen minutes our giant balloon fly-away is going to happen at center mall. Five hundred helium-filled balloons will be released and "up, up and away" they'll go - in fact, exactly 75 feet up, all the way to our giant skylight. Of course, during the next few days they'll be dropping back down. But watch out, some of them are water balloons... Hey, just kidding! So when our balloons come down that's the time for you, folks, to be here again and grab one of them. Because inside you'll find valuable discounts and free prize coupons from all our Discovery Island merchants. All you've got to do is time it right and one of those beautiful, precious balloons will come floating into your waiting arms... | |
| Enter LIL. | ||
| MARG: | So you got rid of what's-his-name. | |
| LIL: | He's okay now. | |
| MARG: | Could have fooled me. | |
| LIL: | As he said - where was I supposed to perform the operation? Girls or boys room? | |
| MARG: | Yes, I see your point. | |
| LIL: | So I let him slosh into the boys' room, alone. It was embarrassing enough for him, marching in full view of everybody - | |
| MARG: | He had your coat for cover. | |
| LIL: | Still. He could feel it. | |
| MARG: | (Different wavelength.) Wouldn't have happened if he'd gone to the washroom in the first place. | |
| LIL: | Maybe it was just the thought of it. | |
| MARG: | But no, he had to go into the jungle there. Back where he belongs. | |
| LIL: | Like they say, "As a man thinketh so is he." | |
| MARG: | And it had to happen right before our eyes - well, practically. | |
| LIL: | If you think wet you are wet. | |
| MARG: | Polluting those nice plants there. | |
| LIL: | No matter what the appearance. | |
| MARG: | It was like bloody Niagara Falls! | |
| LIL: | He said, "Hey, Lil. Why don't you take off your sweater. That'll keep everyone's eyes off my pants." (She now has MARG's attention.) | |
| MARG: | You didn't do it, did you? | |
| LIL: | (Laughs.) No, Mrs. Poole! | |
| MARG picks up her knitting again. BERT enters behind her. He still has the coat wrapped around his waist and his bare legs are showing. He's carrying his wet pants wrapped in paper towels in one hand and a helium balloon in the other. | ||
| BERT: | Compliments of Discovery Island Shopping Center! | |
| MARG: | (Under her breath.) Ralph? (BERT, approaching from behind, extends his hand so the balloon floats in front of her. She drops the knitting and reaches out for the balloon. MARG, quietly.) Ralph. (When she realizes it is BERT, her expression changes. She grabs her knitting needles and takes a wild stab at the balloon. BERT jumps back.) | |
| BERT: | Mrs. M! You trying to kill my pet? | |
| MARG: | Stay away from me, stupid! | |
| BERT: | (It is apparent his feelings are hurt this time.) She... she was trying to stab me - with those. | |
| MARG: | If I wanted to deflate your ego I would have aimed a little lower. | |
| BERT: | You wouldn't. | |
| MARG: | Don't tempt me. | |
| BERT: | Mrs. M, it's supposed to be a gift. | |
| MARG: | Some present. An advertising balloon! Next thing you'll expect me to tie the Good Year blimp to my wrist. | |
| BERT: | I bought it from a kid. | |
| MARG: | You must have lost a lot of money in the bargain. | |
| BERT: | I offered him a quarter but he wouldn't settle for any less than fifty cents; capitalist little bugger. | |
| MARG: | The coupon inside is probably worth a lot more.
(To LIL.) He didn't know that, of course. | |
| BERT: | Maybe twenty percent off a pair of pants that's been marked up a hundred. | |
| MARG: | How are we ever going to find out whether or not you won anything worthwhile if you don't pop the silly thing? (She gets her knitting needle into position.) | |
| BERT: | No way! Nothing doing. | |
| MARG: | You heard the man on the public address system. Those things are worth more dead than alive. | |
| BERT: | Uh-uh. It's a special kind of balloon. You can use it to send secret messages. | |
| MARG: | Don't be ridiculous. | |
| BERT: | That's what the kid said. | |
| MARG: | (To LIL.) He's so gullible. | |
| BERT: | Maybe you could even use it in place of your homing pigeons out in the park. | |
| MARG: | Oh, get lost. | |
| BERT: | Okay. (To balloon.) You've heard her; get lost. (He lets the balloon fly, but it is attached to a long string and so, as he walks away, it follows him.) See? It aint so easy to get rid of somebody who don't want to be got rid of. (Gives balloon a kiss, ties it to a plant.) | |
| MARG: | (To LIL.) See how he aggravates people? | |
| BERT: | (To balloon.) You'll be good now. I better go and find something comfortable to slip into. I'm getting goose bumps all up my legs. (Exits.) | |
| LIL: | He's cute. | |
| MARG: | A pain, that's what he is. | |
| LIL: | He seems to like you. | |
| MARG: | Indeed! | |
| LIL: | He was only teasing. | |
| MARG: | I'm not in the mood. I don't have time. Especially not today. I'm trying to finish this - for my granddaughter. My son is meeting me today, taking me out for lunch. It's my birthday, you see. | |
| LIL: | How nice! Many happy returns! | |
| MARG: | My husband always used to take me out for lunch on my birthday. And occasionally even on ordinary days. "Sweetheart," he'd say, "You and I are going out for lunch today." That's when I'd bring sandwiches and potato salad, and we'd meet at our favorite spot in the park. There's a bench next to the fountain. It used to be a different color then... I'd feed the sparrows and the pigeons, and then he would come walking, like a real gentleman, with a flower in his hand. I suspect, he picked the odd one in the park or from someone's yard. But on my birthday he'd always buy a bunch of roses, and take an extra half hour off work so we wouldn't be rushed. We'd go to Janzen's and have something fancy like veal and brussel sprouts and cheese cake. | |
| LIL: | Mmh. That sounds lovely. | |
| MARG: | I still go to that park bench. But now, when it's raining I come to the mall. Of course, in here they give you dirty looks if you bring your own lunch. | |
| LIL: | Oh, I don't think anybody cares. | |
| MARG: | Ralph... that's my son. Ralph says the food here isn't much good. So I bring my own - like the old days. | |
| LIL: | Sure, why not? It's probably better for you. | |
| MARG: | I like cheese and avocado sandwiches with bean sprouts and a little honey mustard. It's quite nutritious. | |
| LIL: | And you can always buy a drink at the juice bar. | |
| MARG: | I hardly ever do. | |
| LIL: | I hope you're not going without a drink all day long? | |
| MARG: | No. I'd get dehydrated. I read somewhere you're supposed to drink six glasses of water a day. | |
| LIL: | At least. | |
| MARG: | So I go to the washroom. (Sheepishly.) If somebody else is in there I pretend I have to use the toilet. I sit down, count to 20, and for special effects I go like this... (Places her lips on the fleshy part of her arm and blows.) Then I tear off a piece of toilet paper and flush. But I don't waste the paper. I put it back on the roll. | |
| LIL: | So if I ever come across a loose piece of toilet paper I know you've been there before me. | |
| MARG: | When I come out I wash my hands and have a nice long drink from the tap. Problem is, ten minutes after my drink I need to go to the toilet for real. | |
| LIL: | In Europe they charge you for it. | |
| MARG: | For a drink of tap water? | |
| LIL: | For using the toilet. | |
| MARG: | As if having to go wasn't punishment enough. | |
| LIL: | But over here you're okay. | |
| MARG: | Yes, I've been doing just fine. | |
| LIL: | I can see that. | |
| MARG: | I'm a survivor. And if that... tramp, Bert, comes back sticking a balloon in my face again I'll... Imagine, of all things on my birthday! | |
| LIL: | What about your husband? Is he...? | |
| MARG: | We used to do so many things together. We'd go for long walks. We'd always get ourselves straightened around on those "talk walks" as he called them. We'd discuss money problems, our boy's teenage problems, anything. A bit of fresh air can do you a world of good when you've got problems.
(Pause.) I keep telling my son, "Ralph," I tell him, "Let's you and I have lunch on my birthday." He's a busy man, Ralph is. Is high up somewhere. I'll introduce you. Never know when you may need another job. Things are so unstable these days... But I'm rambling here. | |
| LIL: | No, not at all. | |
| MARG: | Nurses are good listeners, aren't they? | |
| LIL: | (Subdued.) Some of them are. | |
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